In the previous post, it was probably clear that part of the reason for my dissillusionment about sex is a direct result of choices I have made myself, especially my expectation about having just one sexual partner. If I dropped that expectation, many other potentially fulfilling options would be open to me. But there's another reason I have to accept blame for how things have worked out with H, and I thought it was worth writing about that as an addendum.
For many months after H told me she didn't want to be my wife, I thought of myself as being defrauded. When we married, I believed, and still believe, that a normal expectation of marriage is the mutual discovery of each others' sexuality and a shared joy in pleasing each other physically. I felt that in marrying me she was agreeing with that, and yet my expectation has not been fulfilled.
BUT, I have realised that these sexual expectations I have always held during our marriage have been unfounded. I accept – unhappily, but truly – that H had not considered the implications of marriage 20 years ago. She had not projected her imagination into that future, had not longed for a husband, nor children, nor making a new home, nor settling into one location. I assumed that by saying she wanted to marry me, she anticipated and wanted to explore and enjoy sex with me. But we got married so quickly that there was no time to check that assumption, and I didn’t even think to try. I should have, because if I’m honest with myself there were signs prior to marriage that the assumption was wrong.
(When I write that we got married quickly, I mean we knew each other for several months before "falling in love" one October, we were engaged two weeks later and married in January. That was a fundamental mistake that I could have avoided.)
From this vantage point, I can see that a very harmful effect of my unwarranted expectations has been an imposition on H from which she could see no escape. I regret that this is another consequence of us getting married before allowing time for us to get to know each other more deeply. There are really no justifications for my expectations that she would be interested in discovering our sexuality together or being interested in understanding my sexuality. And hence no justification for me blaming her for not fulfilling those expectations.