I have a ridiculous, never-ending whining in my ear, constantly reminding me that something is not right. It cannot be shared with anyone else and no-one but my doctor would want to know about it anyway. The doctor says there is no apparent cause and no remedy.
Whenever I am not active, the wish for someone to hug, like the incessant whining in my ear, invades my consciousness. I am alone in both maddening experiences.
I love so much the feeling of being known. Of not needing to hide. But who wants to know me? Maybe just my mum and God. Why did I marry someone who is the opposite, who wishes for privacy and felt the constant need to protect herself from me rather than open herself to me? And now she’s off on her own journey, no longer even wanting the façade of travelling together.
Regardless of supportive friends, I am totally alone in the ways that are most important to me. Not least of which is the wish that someone was interested in me sexually. I don’t mean someone interested in having sex with me – though that is also an ever-present wish. I mean someone who would actually like to understand how I experience and express sexuality in the broader sense. A female who enjoys my masculinity and who appreciates my converse interest. Someone with whom to discuss desire and with whom to explore passion and pleasure.
At the moment I am neutered sexually, forcing myself to be celibate. Forcing myself to endure alone-ness, hidden-ness, and this ridiculous, never-ending whining in my ear, constantly reminding me that something is not right.